Is every spinster in her thirties under a curse?

If you are a lady, thirty years and over and yet to tie the nuptial knot and living in Nigeria, then somebody might have suggested that you are under a curse and probably need to go for deliverance at the Mountain of Fire and Miracles church. I have found this suggestion quite confusing and so began to ask the question – ‘Is every spinster in her thirties under a curse? After some soul searching, it turns out that my answer is: YES!

Not exactly the answer the ladies were expecting but you are under the curse of a POOR ECONOMY that has caused several women to become bread winners, and men afraid of commitments.

The same curse placed on thousands of Bankers (formerly the most eligible bachelors) who have been today rendered jobless.

The same curse placed on today’s Men in their thirties that they cannot dream of building their own houses when most of our parents at thirty owned at least one house.

The same curse that has driven several young Nigerians abroad in search of greener pastures when the majority of our parents grew up, schooled in Nigeria and could afford a decent life here.

The same curse that sees most people scrambling to own a foreign passport.

The same curse which has led most couples to settle for not more than two kids because of the fear of not being able to cater for them when most of our parents had four kids on average.

YES, we SINGLES (whether – male or female) are all under that curse called poverty.

What however baffles me though is that everyone puts pressure on the Spinster. Why not the Bachelor in his thirties? Who says he doesn’t also need to be delivered of an ancestral curse?

While evil lives among us, the reality is that our economy has deteriorated very badly and so our men are becoming more individualistic. A lot of bachelors are saying “I can’t foot my bills let alone bear the burden of a spouse”. Women are more educated and are saying, “Rather than starve while waiting for Mr. Right to show up, I’ll work hard to build a career.” And as Dr. Myles Monroe said in one of his teachings, all the energy the women are supposed to use to support their spouses as ‘Help meets’ they are putting into their career. So is that such a bad thing that she is now called, CURSED?

Truth is times have changed. Once upon a time Nigerian women got married at 18 years, after sometime they began to get married in their twenties, today some women are getting married in their thirties. Some say 30 is the new 20.

Whatever, the case, another reality is that not all will get married, not all who get married will have children so just take each day as it comes and live life.

And according to a quote my friend Dante has on his desk:

“If you are waiting for the love of your life, STOP; they will be waiting when you starting doing what you love”.

Christianity and its socio-cultural context

I know this is a very touchy topic and I hope I do not offend God and man by the views I will share in this blogpost. However, I have carried the thoughts in mind for about a month now and I feel the need to let them all out this evening.

Two things happened in the month of February that led me to this reasoning. Firstly, I had cause to attend a Sunday service at a branch of a very popular Nigerian Pentecostal church in East London; secondly, I attended an International Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR) conference in Lagos, a week after.

I will begin with the church service. As I walked into the auditorium that fateful Sunday, I expected to see a mammoth crowd as you would usually see if you visited the church's headquarters here in Lagos. Surprisingly, that wasn’t the case. The pews were largely empty and the aisle clear. I however got seated but what was more interesting to me was the Pastor’s message.

She enjoined the congregation to pray without ceasing stating that we wrestle against principalities and powers, and thereafter began to highlight instances during which we need to pray, but they seemed a bit mundane to me. For instance, she said – ‘If you are a woman whose pot of food constantly gets burnt, then you need to pray’.

On our way home, my BFF with whom I went to church and I reviewed the message and laughed. The message was awkward to us because in Nigeria, we are used to praying about getting jobs, spouses, financial breakthroughs, visas, protection from armed robbers etc.

Few days after I returned to Lagos, I attended an international CSR conference and the keynote speaker stated that what is considered as CSR would differ from one country to another based on the local socio-cultural influences. His classic example was the healthcare system in the UK and the US. He said that while corporations who invest heavily in health insurance for their employees in the US pride themselves on being socially responsible, that practice cannot be considered CSR in the UK because the British government has a robust healthcare system under the NHS which caters to the well-being of the populace.

This analogy got me thinking about the preaching I received in the UK, and as I pondered, I came to a conclusion that perhaps socio-cultural influences also play a role in the way Christianity is received and practised.

In a developed society where good largely thrives over evil, corruption is minimised, truth and justice prevail, people get jobs and appointments on merit, visas are obtained if you meet the stipulated requirements, food is affordable, there is security, healthcare is subsidised and the common man can secure a mortgage to purchase a home, then perhaps all you may need to pray about could be - how to be a better cook. Furthermore, I came to a realisation that those who were seated in the congregation were individuals who genuinely wanted a fellowship with God.

This again brings me back home. Would the corrupt politician who occupies a front seat in church be in church if we have a system that effectively checks corruption? Would the young school leaver be in church if he was certain that without prayers or breaking a sweat he would get a job? Would the average worker be in church if he knew he would get a promotion when it falls due? Would the mums be in church if our men were more disciplined? Would the spinsters be in church if our society did not stigmatize young unmarried ladies; and so on and so forth.

The answers to these questions will be helpful in ascertaining if we genuinely love God, or if we are just a religious people seeking miracles.

The Goodbyes to Whitney Houston

For me, Whitney Houston’s passing was more touching than that of Michael Jackson. Far away over the Atlantic Ocean but I couldn’t hold back the tears as I watched BeBe Winnas sing during her funeral service two nights ago.

The songs we sing and love are those we appreciate because they speak to our experiences, expectations and persona. For that reason, I believe that for Whitney to have sung all those songs, she must have had a lot of love to give.

Since I heard about her passing, I kept asking myself how someone like Whitney who had so much love in her heart could end up the way she did. Some have blamed the pressures of the entertainment industry for her demise; several others have blamed Bobby Brown; and some have blamed her for having the sensual love and not loving the way God wants us to love.

As I watched the church service, I couldn’t help but say she should have just stayed in church and forgotten about love, just like most of us should have stayed virgins and forgotten about love. I felt like loved failed her, like it has failed most of us. These were my thoughts until Bishop T.D Jakes came up to the podium to minister.

Bishop Jakes said, according to the Bible, Love is greater than Death. And he talked about the several people whom it seemed death conquered despite the great things they had done like Abel, Noah, Habakkuk etc. until Jesus came and conquered death.

I guess Bishop Jakes is right. We cannot but love as children of God, because God is love. Though we make several mistakes in the name of love, though we may get hurt in the name of love, though we maybe taken for granted and tagged ‘naïve or gullible’ because we live by 1 Corinthians 13, which says’love believes all things’, we cannot but love. What is important is that we hold unto God.

Goodbye Whitney, you were beautiful and had an outstanding voice; we surely will miss you!

Show love, just because!

If you follow Lagos Inspiration FM’s presenter, Chaz B, those words would be familiar. Last Saturday, I heeded Chaz B’s call and showed love and it felt good. I did a good deed by investing in IK’s business. IK always wears a smile but on that fateful Saturday, his smile was bigger than I had ever seen.

IK is a fine cobbler who operates a small one-man business here in Lagos. I supported IK financially to purchase a work tool which should improve on his efficiency and grow his business. You may wonder, why IK? And why support a stranger at all? Well, something about IK struck me and Chaz B’s other mantra came alive, “If each one could reach one, then the world would be a better place”. I'll tell you what struck me about IK.

I came to know IK by chance. Seated at my salon about two years ago, I overheard two ladies talk about this gentleman who does amazingly with fixing their shoes. He was especially fantastic with expanding those new undersize shoes which we females force our feet into, and go ahead to buy being very aware that they are tight and not a perfect fit. But because of how pretty they are, we buy them anyway and hope they'll expand over time. Truth is, most of them never really do. For those ladies, buying undersize shoes was no longer a biggie, because IK did a wonderful job at expanding them. Being a culprit, I approached them and asked for his address and sought to try him out. The testimonials turned out to be true, but that wasn’t all I discovered.

IK has a great temperament. In his little corner, he understands customer service. A man of his words; if IK says your shoes will be ready in 48 hours, you can be sure that they will be. If you are a Nigerian, you will agree with me that that’s hardly the case when you engage the service of an artisan around here. I have had nightmares dealing with my tailors, male and female alike. But IK stood out of the pack, so I chose to show love, just because!

Love Vs. Romance

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 says ’Love is patient and kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails’.

Rhythm FM presenter IK aka the Wild Child says “Love is a decision to give yourself to someone” while Dan Forster of Inspiration FM says “Love is TIME”.

Their definitions of love both strike me although I was more impressed by the fact that they could define Love somewhat unlike the majority of Nigerian men who say they are in Love but cannot define it. I guess for IK he continues to reassure the Vitamin O by saying ‘hey baby, there are so many hot ladies out there but I choose you!’. Am sure you’d be wondering where that came from, but if you are a follower of IK’s radio show you’d know him to drop lines that sound like that. He plays out to be a ladies’ man and a natural flirt so much so that even the Vitamin O has become his partner in crime.

But here’s what struck me even more; a guy once called into Chaz B’s show, sharing life’s issues and asked his fellow men to grow up. Why? According to him, Pastor Paul Adefarasin of the House on the Rock church defines Romance as this simple equation: ROMANCE = MONEY+POWER+SEX. When I heard that, I said to myself, wow! How profound. Really if that’s what romance is, then why bother about Love given that Nigerian men truly are incapable of loving?

I came to a submission some nine years ago that Love doesn’t exist, at least in this clime. Nigerian
men tell you they are natural polygamists and that that’s the way they were created. That they are genetically wired differently from Oyinbo men. They use lines like: ‘How can a man continue to eat only Egusi? Variety is the spice of life’, blah blah blah! So, I gave up expecting Love to happen and as a rule tell every man I have known since then not to make me any promises. And like Demi Moore in the movie Ghost, I vowed not to use the word LOVE. When men ask me what I want from a relationship, I say ‘I don’t know’. When they ask me about myself, I say ‘You’ll find out as we get along, let’s just have fun'. I have replaced the word LOVE with phrases like: ‘I am falling into you’; ‘I really care about you’; ‘You make me happy’ and ‘I am getting emotionally involved’. These phrases work just fine, as far as am concerned. My very last escapade can tell you that when he mentioned that he was falling in Love with me, I stopped chatting and laughed-out-loud and in my head I was thinking, 'who are you fooling?!

My girlfriends and a very fond ex-boyfriend tried to make me see or think otherwise but I refuse to.
Tell me, how many Nigerian men can achieve 100% or a close 80% of what 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 defines as love? Yet that’s the most quoted text on LOVE. Moreso, how many are capable of giving themselves to just one woman as IK suggests. As for TIME being equal to LOVE, that’s the most practical definition of all three mentioned, yet our men can't even achieve that.

The truth is that I cannot but agree with Pastor Paul because no woman wants to be with a man 24-7, 365 days a year if he hasn’t got JOB, has no money, is not in control of his finances, lives in his mother’s house, if he’s a mummy’s boy that does all his mother says, is not seen to be in control of something, hasn't got the suave or panache, doesn't make her melt at his touch, if he says YES to all his woman says but is available all the time to hold her hand, listen to her and meet her sexual needs. By inference, such men define love as: LOVE = BROKE+TIME+WEAK. But we no fit chop Sex na, check am!

Some ladies settle for such men because according to them you have peace and are guaranteed of his fidelity. But the truth is that such women envy the woman whose man is a suave Mr. Fix it. They also wish to be pampered because truly a little vanity doesn’t hurt. Nigerian women love strong men.

Like my friend Yinka Ijabiyi says…’whose mumu switch are you pushing?’. Is it the weak low-life or the high and mighty? According to him in his write-up keys, ‘If all you’ve got is some 'small-fry-hiding-their-tiny-head-in-a-puddle-somewhere-pretending-to-be-the-king-or-queen-of-the-zanga’s mumu switch, then you my friend are a bigger idiot than the mumu you’ve got their switch’.

As for me, I'm not really interested in the mumu switch. I settle for Romance because the only kind of Love I want is that between a mother and her child. Our mothers love us conditionally. Good or bad (pikin wey bad na im Mama get am); fat or skinny; ugly or good looking (monkey no fine, im Mama like am); tall or short, black or white. My mum Theresa, and I have quarreled countless times but we kiss and make-up so easily that the reason behind the quarrels cease to exist and stop hurting. But it hasn’t been so with me and the opposite sex. The biblical injunction of forgiving as many as 70x7 times has only applies to Me and my Mum but has failed to apply in my relationships with men. My roommate told me back in our university days that friendship is like a piece of china (tea-cup), once cracked can never remain the same. You may try to mend it but it will never be the same. My love for my mum and vice versa has defied that rule yet the rule holds true for my relationship with that particular friend and a lot of men I have come across in my life.

Ultimately, if Love with the man-in-my-life cannot be as it is between Me and Theresa; then I settle for Romance!